just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
