I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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