You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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