i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
