when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
