I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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