wrigley field is MILF paradise
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
