evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
