Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
