it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
