no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Randomize
