Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
