It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I FOUND THE LEGS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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