my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
