Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
