love makes seman taste better
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
