I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
