Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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