I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
