Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
