I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize