My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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