Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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