Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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