Cold hands, warm shart.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
