Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
