I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We are two peas in an std pod
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
