based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
