she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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