ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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