dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
