i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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