apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
