LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
