Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
