I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She told me I should be a condom model.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
