Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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