totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
