I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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