I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
