I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She bit a glass in half.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
