Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
