I can't watch pbs sober anymore
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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