I could make wine with my vomit
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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