Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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