Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
