Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
