The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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