His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
