How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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