Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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