The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
