Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
