o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
