areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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