you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
