just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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