So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
