I CAN MOONWALK!
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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